The “boomerang ” Effect: Easing The Pain Of An Old Love

If you have decided to read this, it is because you are part of this great group of people who have been heartbroken, at least once in your life. It could also be that you have started a new relationship with someone and you have doubts about how you feel: am I experiencing the famous boomerang effect?

For you, it is very clear: you have suffered a lot and you do not want to have to relive it unnecessarily. What happens is you know that  love always begins with spontaneous joy, with closed eyes and all possible hopes placed in happiness; and yet confusion reigns in your head. Something is wrong at all.

“I hope at least you’re not stupid enough to believe that one nail is going to come out of another.” None, I repeat, none, is the same size as any other. If you drive one nail into another, you will only drive the nail. If you choose another location, you will only multiply the injury […] “

How do I know if I’m in a boomerang relationship?

Love is uncontrollable and unpredictable, that’s why it can end, and not always the way we would like to. However, when love is in its infancy, it has the virtue of being special and making us feel special: the members of the couple are blinded by each other, they fill each other with perfections and no place. is left to doubt.

The well-known boomerang effect envelops many new unions that form after the end of a long relationship : these unions are generally born in the course of the year following the breakdown of the previous relationship. In addition, boomerang relationships are characterized by their short duration and present a certain instability between the people who compose them.

This happens because you haven’t gone through the necessary grieving phase after a significant emotional loss. That is to say that we did not have time to take responsibility for what happened, nor to heal such recent wounds and, on the contrary, we avoid this acceptance by seeking a solution. new experience that makes the process easier.

“[…] The nail that really enters, that perfect hole where, if the air enters, it sighs in, never comes out. Only time is able to make the skin forget its presence. Caress her absence and call her scar. “

-Ernesto Pérez Vallejo-

The consequences of the boomerang effect

As Ernesto Pérez quite rightly points out, one nail does not make another nail come out. Since we are people with feelings, we need time to place what is happening to us and give it space inside of us. In fact,  every person who passes in our life has their place in our heart and it is a mistake to try to substitute it for others.

This is a mistake because we deceive ourselves or can deceive the other, or even use it:  boomerang relationships are a mask that hides a way of falsely relieving personal necessities. Basically, they only add more weight to the burden of the loss and make us act dishonestly.

The consequences of the boomerang effect therefore involve this new love; but, above all, we involve ourselves: it is obligatory to let the pain manifest itself in order to avoid subsequent suffering and thus give us another opportunity for love.

If, on the other hand, you believe the other person is in this situation, be very careful. Observe and get to know what she is really feeling, go slowly and let go only when you are sure that the bond that has been created is healthy for both : keep in mind that it is possible. that he’s not quite good at deciding what he wants yet.

Learn to live with yourself

As we have pointed out, the boomerang effect is just one way to move forward in the wrong way because, if we feel a recent emptiness after someone has left, only we can relieve our discomfort and recompose ourselves.

It is necessary to learn to live in solitude so as not to be left alone,  even more so in times when circumstances hit us hard. Hiding our grief and anxiety won’t help us move forward, nor will thinking that we depend on others to be happy.

“There is no point in looking for it. When you least expect it, he shows up in a bar. And nothing is the same anymore. One day you reach fame, the next day you are heartbroken. Or not. Or you are lucky and you just end up getting bored of happiness. ”

-Karmelo Iribarren-

Put aside what you aren’t really capable of loving, come back to the past without erasing it, and don’t step forward if you don’t feel ready to do so. In this way, and little by little, you will find balance and love.