Say Yes When You Want To Say No: What Are The Reasons?
It has happened to many of us: to say yes, when in reality we wanted to say no. But why are we doing this? What is happening to us? Are we unable to express our true desires?
We will try to answer the following question below: why say yes when you want to say no? Di verses causes related assertiveness are behind this paradox.
Andre Salter (1940) defines the concept of assertiveness as a personality trait. More precisely, he defines it as “the expression of rights and personal feelings”. In other words, assertiveness includes the ability to say “no” when we really mean no.
We could deduce the conclusion of the research Salter: the circumstances influence assertiveness. This does not prevent some people from having a greater tendency to assert oneself or that this skill can be learned.
Assertiveness includes standing up for our rights and needs, as well as the ability to express our wishes sincerely, without harming or hurting anyone, in a polite yet forceful manner. Simply put, this means not allowing yourself to be “trampled” without resorting to inappropriate manners.
Why do we only assert ourselves on certain occasions or with certain people? What prevents us from asserting ourselves? Why do we tend to say yes when we mean no? Here we try to answer these questions.
Saying yes when we want to say no: the causes
As we have seen, solving this question has a lot to do with assertiveness. But what is it that prevents us from expressing what we really want in certain situations? Let’s see the factors that can explain it.
Lack of assertiveness can make us say yes
Some people have a knack for expressing their opinions and wishes freely, clearly and sincerely. And when asked to do something they don’t want to do, they just say “no”.
People who do not naturally possess this ability, or who do not work hard enough, tend to say yes when they mean no. We can say that the lack of assertiveness is the main cause of this paradox, because it includes other explanations.
Indeed, behind the lack of assertiveness hide fears, insecurities, lack of self-esteem… Let’s see this in more detail.
Fear of what others will say or think
We tend to accept things we don’t really want when we care excessively about the opinions of others. We are in a way afraid of being judged if we don’t think the same as others. We are then afraid of having a bad image or being the object of criticism.
We can change that by working on self-esteem in particular. The reality is that without good self-esteem we will always need to be reassured. Remember that self-esteem is the only love that will always accompany us!
Say yes to be accepted
Who has it not happened to accept certain situations (from the simplest to the most complex) that did not correspond to him in order to obtain in return the approval of others? Wanting others to like us is, to some extent, a natural desire.
N ou seek to feel accepted and loved, because we are social creatures. We not only seek to please others when we say yes to something we don’t want, but we also seek acceptance.
Psychologist Abraham Maslow (1908-1970) already spoke of it when he tried to define human needs through his hierarchical pyramid. Maslow tells us about two links linked to the above: the need for affiliation and the need for recognition.
We get the feeling of belonging especially through friendship and affection. The feeling of recognition, on the other hand, results from trust, recognition, etc.
To return to the previous point, if we think about it rationally, people we really like are the girls who accept us as we are. We also know full well that it is literally impossible for everyone to like us.
The fear of not knowing how to justify the “no”
We often mistakenly think that not knowing how to justify a ‘no’ means that we should say ‘yes’. And it is not. There will be times when we won’t know exactly why something isn’t interesting to us, but that doesn’t mean we should accept it.
We have to listen to each other. If we don’t want something at some point, we must refuse the proposal.
Insecurity and the fear of disappointing
Another of the possible causes why we tend to say yes when we mean no is the existence of personal insecurities; we don’t know exactly what we want, or we don’t fully embrace ourselves.
We are then more likely to doubt things. This sentence illustrates our words well: “Those who do not know what they want, do not understand what they find”.
On the other hand, feelings of guilt tend to appear after a “no” when we are not sure of ourselves. Was the person offended? Will she feel bad if I say no? We then make the mistake of accepting things that we don’t really want out of fear of disappointing.
A brief reflection
We have just seen that there are various reasons behind this action. What is certain is that we are more likely to fall into the act of pleasing others by saying yes to propositions we don’t really want when our self-esteem is low or we lack strength.
The key is therefore to know yourself and to find your own path. We will thus be more able to assert ourselves and freely express our opinions.
Self-knowledge leaves little room for doubt! And this process, fortunately or unfortunately, lasts a lifetime. So make your own path, open your eyes to learning. You will only learn to say yes when you really want to.
Our thoughts We have learned since our earliest childhood to know how to recognize our emotions and to be respected. Let’s study the importance of assertiveness sa …
