Decision-making In The Couple

All couples go through times when decision-making is necessary. Which, although they may be more or less important, generates a situation in which it is necessary to negotiate. Although we get along very well with our partner, it is normal that we do not agree on everything and that there are differences when it comes to making a decision. In addition, making decisions as a couple is more than taking a stand for or against “something”. Indeed, it is more of a test of the strength and harmony of this union.

In this article, we’ll try to identify the variables that influence marriage decision-making and the problems that can arise when you have to choose a path, take a risk, make a big change, or miss an opportunity. In this sense, we will focus on the most important and frequent decisions in which a conflict can exist:

• If there is a relationship crisis or if you have been together for a while (and the feelings are not the same), there may be a question about staying together or breaking up.
• Take the step and start living together
• Spending time with each other’s family of origin (for example: weekend with the parents-in-law, Christmas, Easter, etc.).
• To marry
• Have children
• Choosing children’s education
• Change jobs and start a long-distance relationship or change your place of residence
• Managing an infidelity or taking into account other rules in the relationship (example: open relationship or polyamory)
• Organize the time that everyone has for themselves in the couple

What influences the couple’s decision-making?

Self-confidence

The image that you have of yourself and the capacity to feel that your opinion is valid and has weight influences the whole decision-making process in the couple. If you are a confident person, you will have enough support to stand up for what you believe in. And influence the final decision. That is, a confident person has an active role in the decisions that are made by his partner, while an insecure person will be in the shadow of what the other party says and decides.

Likewise, self-confidence helps you not to shut up for fear of rejection. Putting yourself above fear when dealing with a sensitive issue as a couple is the key to having a voice. And vote on the decisions that are taken. Self-confident people sacrifice their ability to influence for the sake of their appearance.  They tend to say what other people want to hear or what avoids conflict.

The place of the other in the shared life project

On the other hand, when a decision must be made by both members of the couple, a key aspect is the place that the other person occupies in your ideal of the future or of your life project. Thus, the decision-making process in couples is based more on the future than on the present. What does that mean ?

The potential that we see in our relationship to accompany us on a new path plays a very important role. This could be, for example, having children, getting married or moving in together. The decision making in the couple is mainly based on the anticipations that we make in our minds. Not really on the reality that we are living with this person.

In this sense, in his theory of love, Robert Sternberg explains how three components are necessary for there to be complete and mature love, and one of those components is commitment. However, this is not a legal commitment. Of loyalty or relationship. But much of a commitment for the future of the relationship.

So, for decision-making to be a successful process, there needs to be commitment. That of working as a team to achieve common goals.

Your communication skills and the other’s ability to understand you

Good communication skills are essential for sharing fears, doubts, delusions and desires. Realize that verbalizing whatever comes to mind that adds something to the reflective pre-decision process will have constructive potential. It will add something.

You don’t have to say everything you think about it. You need to think and feel everything you say. Otherwise, you will give way to ambivalent and imprecise communication in which there will be a lot of room for interpretation, an element that is undoubtedly dangerous for the life of a couple.

In addition, the recipient of your messages should be able to understand what you are trying to convey. With the meaning you want to give to your words. This means that the other must understand what you are saying, know why what you are saying is important to you. In this sense, non-verbal communication also plays an important role.

It is impossible not to communicate, and in the context of decision-making in the couple, it is necessary that what we say is consistent with the rest of the elements that we express. In this sense , any incongruity can generate a misunderstanding that causes noise (discomfort). Like showing ourselves happy to have planned a wedding and basically still thinking that marriage is failing couples.

Finally, we would like to underline one last point. The decision in the couple must be a process shared by those who are part of it. In fact, if this is the case, it is highly likely that the couple will prove to be more enduring and more fulfilling, according to a study by Kamp Dush and Taylor (2011) at Ohio University.

On the other hand, it is also necessary to make an effort to limit external influences. These can enter into the decision-making of a couple. We must therefore prioritize what we feel and our partner. By relegating the motivation to please others to the background.

Our thoughts

Discover the psychological games that take place within couples and which can, if not changed, lead to a breakup.