Toxic Relationship Between Parents Leaves Scars In Children

Anyone who psychologically mistreats their spouse, uses blackmail, despises, humiliates and destroys their self-esteem also exercises indirect but excruciating mistreatment of their own children. They,  constant witnesses of a toxic relationship, become the first victims  and  the sad custodians of an emotional heritage marked by sometimes irreversible consequences.

According to the World Health Organization (WHO) and the World Economic Forum (WEF),  mental illnesses are the leading causes of incapacity for work in the world. Much of it, as curious as it seems to us, finds its source in toxic or abusive relationships and in the psychological impact they leave on people. Indicators like post-traumatic stress, depression, anxiety disorders, chronic pain, asthma or even diabetes are also silent but persistent marks of this type of dysfunctional connection.

“During childhood, there is no need as strong as the need for parental protection.”

-Sigmund Freud-

Social and health institutions also point out  this need to “empower” the victims of this type of psychological or physical abuse in the couple and not to stigmatize them. By “empower”, we refer to the fact of endowing these people,  men or women,  with adequate resources and coping strategies to revalidate themselves psychologically and emotionally and thus be reintegrated into their lives normally.

Good, but what we neglect, forget or often put aside is the figure of these children who, from an early age, are the witnesses of these harmful dynamics, of these toxic atmospheres. These little ones have silently internalized every atom, every gesture, every sound, every cry, every word and every tear shed  in their sweet and innocent minds without knowing very well the impact that the following day may have on their children. lives.

Because we cannot forget that the circle of violence is like an ouroboros that constantly bites its own tail and perpetuates the same facts, the same dynamics over and over again. These children who are today the witnesses of a toxic relationship will perhaps be new victims or new torturers tomorrow.

Witnessing a toxic relationship also turns us into victims

“No, I never raised my hand on my children or on my husband / wife”. This is a sadly common reaction among the executioners or perpetrators of this psychological abuse where there are no marks or blows highlighting every wound, every violation and every harmful conduct carried out in the privacy and the microcosm. of a home.

Even so, and even if it may seem odd, the fact that there is no obvious mark or blue makes the situation even more complex. In these cases, the victims,  instead of seeing this behavior as obvious mistreatment, tend to blame themselves.

This guilt or this self-projection of responsibility is not found only in the victim: the child himself, witness to this dynamic, very often feels this same feeling. Because  the little one is an additional traveling companion in this train of pain, on this path which leads everyone to the same destination.

We cannot forget that, as Piaget explained in his theory of cognitive development of the child, between the ages of  2 and 7, the latter maintains an egocentric approach through which the world revolves around his person. Therefore, the little one will have the impression that the pain of his mum or dad, like screaming or arguing, is the result of something he has in a certain way himself. provoked.

Therefore, and it is important to take this into account, in any toxic relationship where we find children, they automatically become victims. It does not matter whether they are behind a door or that they cannot see anything, it does not matter that they cannot yet walk, read, pedal or say the names of the constellations that appear at night behind their windows. Children feel and listen, little ones interpret the world in their own way, and  few things can be as devastating to a child as growing up in such a pathological and destructive emotional environment.

Surviving our parents’ abusive relationship

Sometimes this toxic relationship is developed by both members of the couple. Some people are unable to build a stable psychic and emotional environment. These are profiles characterized by back and forth between tenderness and aggression, complicity and blackmail, creating a highly dysfunctional universe for themselves as well as for the children who live with the couple.

“One of the most precious things that can happen to you in life is to have a happy childhood.”

-Agatha Christie-

We find abusive relationships of all types, in many forms and at every step of the social ladder. However, the real victims in these emotional mazes are the children. Because constructing one’s own identity in a context marked by abuse very often creates a starting point for a new cycle of violence. We cannot forget that as people we tend to repeat psychological and behavioral patterns that are known to us, familiar.

This is why it is common that instead of surviving our parents’ toxic relationship, we turn – possibly – into new victims or new executioners because we have internalized that same emotional language. To cushion this impact and the cycle of abuse, therefore, we need the right mechanisms. It is necessary  that children who have witnessed these dynamics receive social and therapeutic support alongside their progenitors.

Because if there is one thing that every child deserves, it is the possibility of living in a peaceful environment. It is also to be educated to do good through an education based on consistency and respect and, above all,  through the proximity of progenitors who are wise in affection and skilled in love.