Better Communication Goes Through Silence

Usually we think that the silence of the other in a discussion proves us right, but what is certain is that this silence allows us to think and listen to each other, especially if our speech is full of reproaches.

Be aware that who does not say a word does not always consent, but sometimes silence allows you to realize the damage that can be caused by words you use without thinking during an argument.

Keeping quiet and listening should not be signs of weakness but rather of intelligence, respect and understanding towards the other; if everyone is screaming, then no one is listening or learning.

If everyone shouts, we lose our sanity, we speak without weighing our words, which then lose all their meaning or, even worse, which become projectiles full of criticisms which do not bring us anything, and which only hurt us.

“The way to all great things passes through silence”

-Friedrich Nietzsche-

We are slaves to our words

Often the words are not carried by the wind, but sink like daggers into the heart of the one to whom they are addressed.

Do not try to heal a wounded heart, pierced by your words, shut up before it is too late, think and put yourself in the other’s shoes.

When arguments resemble each other and are repeated without ever reaching an agreement, very often what is called an “emotional escalation” occurs .

This escalation consists in blaming the reason for your anger without ceasing to listen to the point of view of the other.

Eventually your “opponent” tone rises, his responses take the same form as yours, and effective communication is then rendered impossible.

If one is silent, he listens but does not show himself to be submissive; he thinks, tries to show empathy, and will manage to improve communication.

To do this, silence can be a great ally. Tell yourself that a person who can communicate uses silence to see where they went wrong and how they can improve their next response.

“Silence is the loudest noise, perhaps the loudest of all noises.”

-Miles Davis-

In silence, words acquire the value they deserve

Silence, if it is not misinterpreted, helps ease tensions. There has already been a time for reflection, and we have already looked for a meeting point with the other, which leads us to communicate with the other and to share with him what bothers us.

This is when we understand that our point of view is not the same as that of our “communicative adversary”, and that we do not feel the same because we are both different people.

This is why we need to explain our way of seeing things as clearly as possible, and express our emotions without hurting the other. To do this, the use of “I-messages” is very useful.

I-messages do not contain any reproach, but come from what we (I) feel, think, opine or desire. Thus, we put aside the guilt of the other without ceasing to manifest what we feel.

For example, an I-message can be translated by formulas such as “I think / I feel / I believe that…”, which replace the typical ones “because you did / you said / you made me to feel…”.

These messages are complete means of communication.

In other words, we can start by describing the situation or what the other is doing without making any judgment whatsoever, then introduce the I-message, and finally end with a possible alternative form of what happened.

Here is a complete example:

• Description of the situation: Last night when we had dinner with our friends at home, you didn’t help me set the table.
• Message I: I feel like a child at your service rather than your wife.
• Alternative form of what happened: I wish you had set the table with me.

Adopting such a mode of communication is a matter of habit. Listening, reflecting for a moment in silence and responding, it will not be automatic for us at the start without a minimum of training.

If we spend our whole life communicating differently, it’s no wonder that initially it is not natural for us.

We may even feel like we are losing something, but over time we will be able to establish much more open and fluid relationships with others.