How To Defend Yourself From Emotional Vampires
Emotional vampires are black holes that suck everything. They drain us with their demands. Tired us with their behaviors and unawareness of personal injury, manipulation or harm. There are vampire parents. Vampire spouses. Friends and even vampire children to whom we grant the power to abuse and rob our authority and our dignity.
Mark Twain said with a touch of irony that the principle of give and take requires being skilled enough to offer one thing and receive ten in return. One thing explained to us by an expert, Adam Grant, professor at the University of Pennsylvania and author of the book “ Give and Take”, is that vampires would not exist without victims. In other words, sometimes we ourselves fall into the spiral of this one-to-one exchange. We are the ones who allow the scales to always tip on the same side.
It is not a question of looking for the culprits but of realizing that, in any type of interaction, there is an exchange. People volunteer their time, give ideas, motivation, advice, lean on others and others lean on them. Some have this inherent ability to offer light. To provide this substrate which nourishes continuously. Who motivates and gives strength to the rest of the people. They do it without realizing it. Because innate victims understand life that way.
However, next to a victim there will always be a vampire. Someone who will gain more and more power when they are used. Someone who always has a “radar” to identify more victims. And feed on it without the slightest discomfort.
Emotional vampires: are they born this way or are they built little by little?
Unfortunately, we must admit that there are no conclusive studies on the subject. Pediatrician and researcher William Sears, known for his work on parental attachment, introduced the term “high needs babies” in the 1990s. According to this expert, some babies come into the world with more intense emotional needs. These are the little ones who have trouble getting to sleep. Their education is normally more complex and demanding.
This could explain why some people are more inclined to receive than to give and ask for more attention instead of giving. However, many experts in the field cite another idea. And are based on an interesting and revealing point of view. Emotional vampires are narcissistic personalities. What’s more, in 1979 Professors Robert Raskin and Calvin S. Hall developed a scale to identify the narcissistic personality. This toxic and exhausting boss was found in these people.
Emotional vampires represent an additional facet of narcissism. They exhibit a sense of superiority that drives them to be the center of attention. To take control of every conversation. To have the exclusivity of each initiative, the authority over each project, attention in all circumstances and forgiveness in case of offense. It’s these black holes that suck everything up and rob others of their energy, rights and self-esteem.
How to defend yourself against emotional vampires?
We pointed it out at the beginning. Emotional victims are very good at recognizing other victims. On the other hand, those who are used to giving everything without expecting anything in return, those who view relationships as sincere and reciprocal exchanges of affection and attention, are not at all adept at detecting narcissistic vampires.
So let’s see what we need to do to defend ourselves against these personalities.
Listen to your body
Emotional vampires generate discomfort. At first, we may not be aware of their attitude, their ploys and their intentions. However, we will clearly perceive the contradiction deep inside us, the feeling of physical exhaustion, the fatigue when we spend time with this person …
Do not idealize anything and do not seek justification
When someone does something that bothers us, causes us discomfort, or makes us feel conflicting emotions, we seek to justify that behavior. We tell ourselves that maybe it is because of the stress, that he did it without thinking it and that he will eventually realize it and ask us for forgiveness. We idealize this person because he is our spouse. From our friend. Or our brother / sister. We idealize him because we ultimately love this vampire.
We need to be able to turn off the filters we place in front of reality to see others as they are.
Remember what you deserve and let it know: be assertive
The best strategy to defend ourselves against emotional vampires would undoubtedly be to take some distance. However, this is not always possible. And that’s not the smartest solution. The narcissistic vampire must be aware of the effect of his actions. For that, we must show him our limits and the consequences of his actions.
- Anyone who seeks to win in any circumstance and at any time will sooner or later cease to be a priority.
- Anyone who thinks they deserve more than others will, sooner or later, only receive indifference.
We must practice “zero” tolerance with those who have become accustomed to boycotting our limits. For this, and using assertiveness, we need to show them what we do not tolerate, what we need, what we are willing to give, and what we hope to receive in return.
To conclude, it should be noted that the best thing to do is to be attentive and to recognize in time the people who are ready to tire us. To deprive us of happiness. As Shakespeare said, an ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure.
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