The Characteristics Of A Healthy Relationship
We all know that the “they lived happily and had many children” does not exist, that prince charming is only found in fairy tales and that “eternal happiness” is a utopia, but we unconsciously accumulate patterns of unhealthy relationships that influence our existence.
We suffer for love, we humble ourselves for love, we cry over a breakup, and we do all we can for people who often don’t deserve it.
We may have a panicked fear of being alone, of having to look ourselves in the mirror and find out who we really are.
We have had so many relationships, which have hurt us so much, that sometimes we are no longer able to identify what a healthy relationship is because we are just afraid of loneliness.
We are then satisfied with people who do not treat us well or who do not like us.
Learn to identify an unhealthy relationship
Psychologist Walter Riso, in his book “Lovers or Slaves”, helps us identify toxic relationships that hurt us and bring us no good. Riso points to the following unhealthy relationships :
Obsessive love
Walter Riso explains to us that: “ Obsession implies that love becomes insatiable in the relationship. One of the couple is never satisfied with the relationship, he cannot do anything without his partner and is very dependent ”.
Someone in a relationship like this feels pressured to give what they don’t want to give, they are eaten up by stress and may feel harassed.
An obsessive couple has no limits, and leaves no space for individual freedom and individuality.
Fusional love
These are couples in which each member has lost his identity and his self-esteem.
Lovers of this type, as Riso tells us, end up adopting the same behaviors, the same humor and the same way of dressing as their partner.
Sometimes fusional love manifests as the overwhelming urge to own the other person.
But loving goes way beyond that. We need to be able to keep our individuality as a couple and let the other person be as they are.
We have to love it for what it is and keep our own personality, with our flaws and qualities. It’s all about acceptance.
Fearful love
We are all afraid that our relationship will end or that things will go wrong with the person we love.
But we must not forget that loving someone always comes with a risk. The fear of abandonment is characteristic of a person who is afraid of failure.
This fear often splits into other fears: the fear that our partner will disappoint us, that he will be unfaithful, that he will abandon us, and that love will end for no apparent reason.
Riso recommends that we be aware that there is no certainty in love and accept the instability of this situation.
Oppressive love
In love, it is obligatory to respect the freedom of others, that is, we must accept that our partner can have their own friends, personal activities, preferences, tastes and opinions.
A love that does not respect these aspects becomes oppressive and prevents us from being ourselves.
Each member of the couple should respect the personality, principles, values and goals of the other person, even if they are different.
It is important to know and accept these differences, so that the couple is healthy and founded on mutual trust.
The keys to a healthy relationship
Marc and Angel Chernoff have spent a lot of time helping their clients build healthy and lasting relationships.
They have managed to provide answers to the question we all ask ourselves: what do we need to create and to nurture a healthy relationship?
They made up a list of what not to do in order not to pervert a relationship. Here are some of their recommendations.
Don’t wait for love to solve your problems
If you are afraid of being alone, a relationship cannot fill that void on its own.
You must first understand the source of this problem, this fear of loneliness.
Once you get there and get past this situation, you can act in a healthy way with another person.
Never forget that your voids, your fears and your problems belong only to you. They will contaminate your relationship if you don’t resolve them first.
Face and value your problems before you get into a relationship, for the sake of your personal balance and the person you love.
Don’t get stuck with the person you love
When we start a relationship, it’s okay to want to spend a lot of time with the person you love.
But, little by little, we have to give our partner more space and have our own.
We must not forget that we have our own life to manage and that we must make time for ourselves to be alone with ourselves. It is fundamental to have healthy relationships.
Couples who are happy together know how to save time to preserve personal space, they take advantage of their independence to do different things.
At the end of the day, they share all these experiences with each other, so as to enrich each other.
Have no secrets from each other
Trust is the essential basis of any relationship. If you lose that trust, it will be very difficult to get it back.
For all these reasons, it is important that our partner does not feel like a stranger in our life.
There are times when it is quite normal to want to be alone to solve our own problems. And a healthy relationship will give us that opportunity.
But, if we want to preserve our personal space and have the other person sincerely grant it to us, we need to talk to them about the things that concern us.
Sometimes we can hear phrases like “I didn’t lie, I just forgot to tell you”. This is an absolute contradiction, because omissions are lies.
If you lie or hide the truth, it will eventually come to light.
Don’t let fear rule you
You are not going to get lost because you love, but because you are holding back your love. No relationship in which there is shared, true love is impossible, you just have to give it a chance.
Loving another person means giving them the opportunity to hurt you, but above all to make you happy.
We cannot live our whole life in fear of romantic relationships. We must learn to be confident, even if we have had bad experiences in the past.
The important thing is not to make the same mistakes and to keep learning every day.
