The Martyrs Complex: What’s Behind It?

There are people who put others before themselves, who consider other people’s experiences to be more important than theirs. These people end up adopting the role of victim: it is they who suffer the most  and in a very intense way. This way of living life is called the martyrs complex.

In psychology, it is understood that the adoption of this attitude is done almost voluntarily: the person concerned seeks suffering in a certain way and to feel “persecuted”, thus nourishing certain psychological needs. It is common to see that the martyr complex is justified under the excuse of love, duty or sacrifice.

Strangely enough, the search for this suffering also leads the martyr to somehow feel better about himself. In her way of seeing the world, taking this pain to herself is an act of kindness, because it avoids it to another person or makes him or her more precious.

However, it is a self-destructive pattern, as it leads you to ignore your own needs and find and perpetuate situations that cause distress.

How do the martyrs behave?

To identify a person who may be suffering from this complex, one must examine different behaviors, thoughts and values.

• Martyrs see themselves as good people, heroes or saints. They see others as selfish or callous people who do not value the efforts they make.
• They tend to exaggerate their level of suffering to portray themselves as a sacrificed person. In addition, in their speech, they seek the attention and recognition of those who listen to them.
• They tend to have low self-esteem. This is reflected in the fact that they often refer to the fact that they don’t believe they are worthy of love or tend to underestimate their personality.

• They have a hard time saying no and setting limits. This causes them to take on more “favors”, complete tasks or fall into abusive relationships.
• There are martyrs who, oddly enough, end up becoming manipulators. They take advantage of their victimization to blackmail emotionally and get what they want from others.
• They don’t put strategies in place to solve their problems, and even if those problems are resolved at some point, new ones will always arise for them to lament.
• Martyrs often look for ways to demonstrate their kindness and good intentions, while also generating situations in which the other appears to be “bad”.
• They are often disappointed to see the reaction of others when they do something for them. They are often not happy with the way they react, because deep down they expect the other to admire them for their behavior.

How to act with a martyr?

Bonding with someone who has a martyr complex is no easy task. He is constantly showing how sick he is and this can seriously affect us.

In addition, we can feel in debt if we receive many offers of help. To deal with it, it is recommended to implement three simple strategies:

• Do not accept favors  that the other can take as a sacrifice. The more we receive from a martyred person, the more likely it is that the martyr will be disappointed in us and generate conflict in the future. It is not a question of rejecting everything, but of evaluating when the help is really needed and of bringing the person to his own self-sufficiency.

• When he expresses his feelings of grief and victimization, do not contribute to it. Try not to become compassionate or heighten the anguish. Try to make comments that highlight positive results.
• If this person is important to you, you can try having a conversation by explaining that their behaviors do not make you feel good and are not beneficial to them. At first, his reaction will be defensive, but if you speak calmly and appreciate his efforts while offering solutions, you may be able to help him.

What if you are one of the martyrs?

More difficult than treating someone with a complex martyrdom is realizing that you are playing that role yourself. If you recognize yourself in the description of the martyr, evaluate your behavior in the following aspects:

• You are bothered by the reactions of others when you do something for them. Or, you think other people aren’t reacting the way they should.
• You say yes, when you really mean no.
• When you treat yourself to something without being able to do it, you find yourself an excuse.
• If you said no, you fear that others will replace you or be valued more than you.
• You are one of the people who quickly offers to help, without carefully weighing your options.
• You feel that you are putting others before you.

What can you do to change it?

First of all, realizing and recognizing that something is happening is the most important step of change. We must then seek to understand this behavior and look for other ways of acting.

Being accepted or loved is not determined by what you do, but by who you are. Striving to satisfy and meet individual needs is a mental and vital burden that leads nowhere.

In your relationships, find different ways to interact. Play a different role. If you’ve been neglecting yourself until now, maybe it’s time to take the initiative, make your own decisions, and start finding yourself. It is fundamental that in this process of change you ask yourself whether you are placing yourself above, below or beside others.

And, above all, assume your responsibilities and respect the freedom of others. It’s time to take responsibility for your mistakes and understand that each person reacts and understands life in their own way.

Finally, tell others about your change process. They will definitely understand it and appreciate it, which will help to make it easier and more bearable. But be patient. There will be people who may have taken advantage of this situation or just need more time to adjust to your new way of doing things.

Our thoughts

Finding excuses is a habit that we all have more or less, and which we use every day to justify our mistakes and our failures …