The Ridiculous Idea Of never Seeing You Again
What a ridiculous truth! It seems so impossible… that the idea itself does not hold. No longer seeing you, no longer hugging you, no longer hearing the ringtone I set for you on my phone when you call me. No longer surround me with your smell or your way of putting this order, which only you understood, wherever you went.
My hands are shaking, my feet are shaking, my heart is complaining and choking on a hollow beat, the ground is collapsing, the air has become tight, my lungs are empty, I no longer feel the air shaking the neck from my shirt, the words choke in my stomach. I can’t scream, nor can I run away. I remain calm, as do the rest of the world, frozen.
I close my eyes, the first memory appears, the one that slaps me. The anxiety to create more is born, this need embraces me like the one who goes up in the funicular whose trajectory ends in the middle of the precipice. In my mind comes the idea of waking up from that dream I had unwittingly fallen into, taking a step and falling.
Follow the chills and stones accumulate in my backpack. The nerves tighten, and so do my muscles. My knees let go and before realizing it I’m on the ground. I bow my head and hope to overcome the suffering. Come on, come back, take me with you, destroy me.
The palms of my hands are drowning and little by little my fingernails sink into the sand made muddy by the rain, which, knowing it has been attacked, wipes the joints of the fingers so as not to die of strangulation. My elbows double and touch the ground, my fists close and the water passes through my fingers. My eyes open again and see only the darkness that I have formed in my body, the one in which I have locked the ridiculous idea of not seeing you again.
Ana approaches, I notice her footsteps. I want to push it away, and yet the only thing I do is stretch my body even more. I close my eyes, because now it’s my tears that wet the earth. Somewhere in my head appears an order: go away, go away. But it’s a very remote place, because Ana hugs me, very tight, with the strength that only a five-year-old can have.
The need to protect our daughter struggles with this idea of not seeing you again. Finally, I surrender to his hug, I do it unconsciously. Her hug loses strength, I drop to one side and she falls on top of me. I release this ridiculous idea, that of not seeing you again, and now it’s me hugging it with the strength that all the years you spent by my side give me; as the suffering begins to be so great that the brain reveals itself and begins to numb me.
I am enchanted for her, because she has faith, because the idea seems even more ridiculous to her than to me. She is there, defying the future without even having the idea of the suffering that will come. Sometimes I get attached to his ignorance and this lie becomes less dense in the air, less cold in the water.
When I wake up, I know this ridiculous idea will condemn us to be united forever, with a connection that goes beyond genetics. I’m getting up ; the first steps of a long road that I do not even know. A part of me continues to wait for the pain to come, while another caresses that salty little face that is part of the immense legacy she left me.
I lay her on her side of the bed, I give her her pillow. I look at her and sing a lullaby to her that continues to resonate very far for me. But I think she is listening to him, because with her hands she grabs one of mine and caresses the wrinkles left by the water, before falling asleep for good.
